Day 123 - The Weight of Letting Go
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I think, in many ways, last night was a turning point for me—a step forward I never thought I could take. For so long, I’ve clung to a truth I didn’t want to admit, a truth that feels like it’s breaking me from the inside: Hope is never going to talk to me again.
To explain how complex and painful that realization is feels almost impossible. She was my lifeline, my escape. When I was trapped in that RV—broken, both physically and emotionally—the only light that kept me going was the thought of her. I would close my eyes and go back to that hotel, back to the moments where she inspired me to stand up, to fight for myself, to heal, to grow.
Hope became my anchor when I felt I was drifting too far to find my way back. She was my guiding light in the darkest moments of my life. I never meant to be selfish, but in that space, in those moments, I needed to survive—and she became the only way I could.
I can’t explain what she became to me inside that RV. She wasn’t just a memory or a thought; she became a part of me. Even now, the idea of never making it back to my friend—the one who inspired me to be better—feels soul-shattering. It’s not just heartbreaking. It’s something deeper, something raw.
The idea of letting go feels like an exorcism. Not because she was ever a burden or a source of pain—far from it. But because Hope became embedded in my very being during that time. She was my hope, my light, my reason to keep moving. To let go of her feels like losing a piece of myself.
For 18 months, I’ve been fighting this battle with my mind. Even before the fall, before the isolation, before addiction, this fight had begun. I am so thankful for her kindness, for her light, for the way she inspired me to fight for myself when I felt I had nothing left to fight for.
But the thought of never being able to tell her that, to say thank you, to let her know how much she mattered to me—it’s a wound that feels like it will never heal. My mind constantly wants to “fix it,” but this is something I can’t fix. And maybe, after everything I’ve put her through, this is what I deserve.
All I ever wanted was to talk to my friend again—the friend who inspired me to keep going. But the only way I can truly show her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her, is to let her go.
Even writing this, I feel like I’m closer than ever to that. But my heart and my mind are still at war. My mind says it’s time, but my heart doesn’t know how to let go of something so pure, so unconditional.
Love is unconditional; it doesn’t change with circumstances when it comes from the depths of your heart. Love is beautiful when it’s genuine and pure.
Dear Hope,
If this ever finds its way to you, know this: I am sorry. My love is now, and forever will be, unconditional.
Day 123
One Step. One Punch. One Round. 🌹
—Your Fellow Traveler